Your Buddy, Your Pally, Your Season Finale: "House"

What Happened, Basically: The show did its semi-annual break with the formula in order to indulge in some pretty interesting "House solves a case based on his own fractured memories/hallucinations." Eventually, it's revealed that the mystery victim is Amber (formerly fellowship candidate "Cut-throat Bitch" and currently Wilson's girlfriend/walking external spine). Who then DIES, forcing Robert Sean Leonard to pull on his puffy thespian pants and do some hardcore Acting. I tease – he did a hell of a job with one of the saddest scenes in the series.

How Good Was It?: The potential crapness of going back into House's brain for a finale after it was already done to finish Season Two was offset by the emotional resonance and genuine shock of Amber's accident/death. And the gaping implausibility of House being up and around after suffering a skull fracture and a heart attack was eased by Hugh Laurie's intrinsic awesomeness (actually, the entire cast was just acting the hell out of this two-parter).
This is par for the course with "House," as it has slowly but surely given up on pretensions of plausibility while remaining a solidly entertaining hour of TV.

Did the Strike Hurt the Season: Hoo-boy, did it. The only benefit – breaking right after choosing the three new cast members gave it a kind of "intermission" feeling – was lost by not having nearly enough episodes to properly balance the newbies with the older cast (even though they seemed to have fun finding different ways to cram Jesse Spencer into an episode – he's House's bowling buddy! He knows surgical hypnosis! – or, alternatively, having him bolt out of the main plot at the earliest convenience).

What I Hope Happens Next Year: 1) They come up with a half-plausible reason for putting an intensive care physician in charge of the surgery department, and an immunologist in charge of the ER (while leaving Foreman, an actual neurosurgeon, in Diagnostic Medicine)…I mean, really, show; 2) They strike a better balance between the Dangerous Drug Addict House of Season 3 and the Wacky Uncle Misanthrope House of Season 4. This was hinted at by the last episode, where House was able to admit to Amber in dream how deeply unhappy he really is. And coupled with his guilt over his perceived complicity in Amber's death, an interesting character arc may have been set up for Season 5. (Then again, they jettisoned three main characters at the end of last season without a good plan for getting out of that one, so…)

Your Buddy, Your Pally, Your Season Finale: A Comedy Tonight!

(About the title, I'm sorry. The Global Stronghold's atomic title generator hasn't worked right ever since our lead hench-dog pooped on the controls.)

Finale: "The Office"

What Happened, Basically: Jim's attempted proposal to Pam was derailed by Andy's impromptu proposal to Angela; Ryan's coke-fueled business fraud led to his arrest; and Michael actually managed to flirt successfully with new HR rep Amy Ryan before getting blindsided by the return of a pregnant (but not by Michael-seed...sorry for that phrase, really) Jan. Also, Amy Ryan was under the mistaken impression that Kevin was retarded - an impression Kevin did nothing to dissuade.

How Good Was It?: Pretty damn good. The show manages to keep the Jim-Pam dynamic fresh by just letting them be a fun, pleasant couple who make sense together (without being cloying) while successfully shifting the "Will they/Won't they" thing to, of all people, Dwight and Angela. And Michael's unhappy return to Jan because he's going to be "kind of a daddy" underscored the season's overarching plot of abusing Michael's life at every turn just to see if he eventually notices how bad shit has gotten (they whipped Jim and Pam around for three seasons, so it's only fair to aim the misery in a new direction).

Did the Strike Hurt the Season?: Yeah, a little. Even though it more or less added up to a full run thanks to the front end's double-episodes, they clearly had to rush some plot points, like the Ryan-as-morally-bankrupt-yuppy thing and the resulting Ryan-Jim animosity (which really could've used a few more episodes to breathe). Still...minor issues they can certainly handle more fully next year - here, and on the upcoming top-secret spin-off. (Also, according to Jenna Fischer's blog, they were as bummed about what got left out as anyone. So.)

What I Hope Happens Next Year: 1) They don't try screwing with the Jim-Pam relationship (note to TV producers still twitchy about romantic chemistry because of fucking "Moonlighting" 20 years ago: Sometimes two people get together and it's NICE and it WORKS); 2) Amy Ryan comes back, and they don't ever bother explaining to her that Kevin's not retarded (this is a joke that could go on for years!); 3) The spin-off doesn't suck, and features Toby.

+++++

Finale: "How I Met Your Mother"

What Happened, Basically: Wow, fuck if I know. Turns out, if you miss the first ten minutes of this show, the rest of it makes no sense. None. All the running gags and themes are set up by the first commercial break, and if you don't tune in by then...damn!

How Good Was It?: To the extent that I understood it? Well, the Barney-Ted reconciliation was sweet, and Barney's realization of his burgeoning love for Robin is even sweeter.

Did the Strike Hurt the Season?: No, if anything it helped. I'm a big proponent of the cable model of 13-episode seasons, so the shortened run meant the focus of the season - Ted's foray into Barneydom, its consequences, and how he got back on track - was a lot tighter and more meaningful (particularly when you see that while The Maturation of Ted is the main point of the show, The Accidental Maturation of Barney has been a great through-line of the season).

What I Hope Happens Next Year: 1) The Mother is introduced (I'm not convinced it's Sarah Chalke's character just yet) and we can start some kind of end run (since this is a show with a built-in expiration date - how people in their twenties learn to become Real Adults - and if you want to see what happens once a show goes past the end of that theme, go ahead and watch "Scrubs" [see below]); 2) the Barney-Robin relationship is explored intelligently (read: not annoyingly - see previous "Moonlighting" nervousness).

+++++

Finale: "30 Rock"

What Happened, Basically: Pregnancy scare for Liz (really scary when you consider it was almost noogie-extolling Beeper King Dennis); Jack Donaghey suffered through a position in the Bush Administration while inspiring his new best friend, the Bush-nicknamed "Cooter Burger" ("No crying in the bathtub for me tonight!"); Tracy successfully completed the world's first porno video game.

How Good Was It?: For the second straight year, "30 Rock" has created a unique blend of absurdist political humor (even Proud Republican Jack is embarrassed by the current administration's lack of anything approaching logic - or pens), sincere character development (Liz's muddied attempts to get her life both successful and fulfilling, without any real idea how normal people do that), and just flat-out lunatic bits (the porno videogame). I love this show so much.

Did the Strike Hurt the Season?: Yeah. The short run meant the many secondary and tertiary characters were pretty much MIA (Toofer? Pete? Hello?), and the show's ability to meander into quirkily inconsequential sideplots went with them. (And recent interviews have shown Tina Fey is totally aware how beloved all the side characters are, and will make pains next year to include them.)

What I Hope Happens Next Year?: An honest-to-god plotline for Pete Hornberger. Also, seeing just a little bit of that porno video game might not hurt.

+++++

Finale: "Scrubs"

What Happened, Basically: The creators had an exhaustive group-wank over their love for The Princess Bride and did a fantasy-retelling of a medical case. It was about as funny as the last episode of "The Simpsons." And if you didn't bother to see the last episode of "The Simpsons,"...well, that should tell you a lot.

How Good Was It?: Seriously, we only watched it because we were waiting for "The Office." It's fucking terrible these days. Though it is evilly fun to watch Zach Braff's face age into grotesque fishiness (enjoy your character-actor bits as an old man, you pompous jackass!).

Did the Strike Hurt the Season?: Through mind-boggling logic, it actually helped this increasingly annoying series, as they somehow earned a "farewell" season on ABC next year, even though all its characters and plotlines were exhausted by the end of season 3, and now everyone on it is just annoying as all hell.

What I Hope Happens Next Year: An asteroid falls on the hospital two minutes into the first episode; only Dr. Cox survives, and in minute three he goes home to his wife and kids and shuts the door behind the viewing audience so we don't have to watch any more of this heartbreak that used to be an amusing series.

+++++

Tomorrow: "House"

Late Next Week: "Lost"

Inbetween: Hey, remember how there were all those fall shows that got totally sideswiped by the writers strike? We're going to talk about them - or what's left of them. Also "24" and "Heroes" will be discussed. Because if we don't talk about them when they're not on, how do we know they exist?

(Oh yeah, DVDs. Well, still.)

I Hate TV: Commercials

Here at the ISTV Global Stronghold, tensions are running high. The minions are getting twitchy, no matter how many times they receive the poke of the Cattle Prod of Doom.

Maybe it’s the sudden end of the truncated 2008-2009 television season. Maybe it’s a sense of dread when the announcements of new fall shows all read as painfully as they do. Maybe it’s a recent reminder that, in defiance of GOD'S WILL, “According to Jim” continues to draw breath.

As a response to the morale issues, work on our orbiting death ray has accelerated.

Target one: commercials that offend our senses (Target two: Jim Belushi).

In any event, until the laser is operational, the minions have had to get creative in their terrorism. So they've taken to simply rewriting their commercial-nemeses, for clarity and honesty:

“Sex in the City: The Movie”:
One of the four women: EEEEEEEE!!!
Another: HAHAHAHAHAHA.
All of them: EEEEEEEHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Martini glasses clink together)
[Repeat, over, and over, and over, until excruciating.]

+++++

KY Massage Products:
Man: When my clearly upper-class girlfriend and I are doing something that isn’t explicitly referred to as “sex,” we like and/or need to use this product. Which we are not explicitly referring to as “sex lube.”
Woman: Because we’re pretty sure you can’t say “sex lube” on American TV commercials.
Man: Certainly not on primetime network TV. Man, how’d we even get on during “Lost”?
Woman: By agreeing not to say “sex lube,” dear.
Man: That’s right, honey. Hey, wanna do something on this bed we’re sitting on that is likely but not specifically referred to as “sex”?
Woman: Do I! Hey, bring the not-necessarily-sex-lube!


...And yes, we have a team examining the feasibility of TiVo within the Stronghold.

I Hate TV: NBC

Watching the otherwise perfect "30 Rock"/"The Office" block, an anger arose in me. Not because of the shows - "30 Rock"'s season finale was awesome, with only one minor complaint - NOT ENOUGH PETE HORNBERGER! - and "The Office" wasn't the best of the season, meaning it was only really hilarious and not astoundingly hilarious.

But I couldn't shake the nagging feeling of irritation.

As luck would have it, a Locke-centric episode of "Lost" gave my brain a nice, trauma-induced case of amnesia, so it took a few days to remember what had pissed me off so much.

Today, it all came back to me, in increasingly hurtful stages.

First, I remembered promos for "Deal or No Deal." Thanks to the summer, this show will actually INCREASE ITS PRESENCE. (I hear as a follow-up to GW's appearance, Dick Cheney will show up to shoot the banker in the face!)

Then the memories of the flop-sweat extravaganza that is "Last Comic Standing" flooded my memory. This is a showcase for excruciating mediocrity masquerading as standup comedy that, four years ago, was getting such deservedly bad ratings that its finale results were announced during a John Goodman-voiced animated sitcom (also cancelled after six episodes). And yet, it's summertime, so the thinking is, "You assholes will watch anything, won'tcha?" And to really rub that in, it's often hosted by Jay Mohr, whose mere presence screams "There is a God, and he fucking hates you."

This gaze into the abyss was jarring enough to unlock the final bit of trauma from my brain:

Blammo.

This summer, I will be watching "Lost" from the beginning, season 2 of "The Sopranos," and I might just get into "Battlestar: Galactica."

I will NOT be watching NBC.

(Does anyone remember when NBC felt like the "smart" network? When it ran "The West Wing," and Tina Fey wrote "SNL" so it wasn't absolutely horrible? Turn of the century NBC. Good times.)

On The Web

Taking it easy on I Speak TV this week. Waiting for the seasons to wind down before delivering final marks on Lost, House, How I Met Your Mother, The Office, and 30 Rock once their finales air. (Though I believe there will be a brief reminder of those fall shows, like Heroes and Pushing Daisies...remember them?)

In the meantime, the new Summer Movie A-Go-Go series begins over at sister-site Future Blues, with a review of Iron Man.

And Threat Quality Press opens its doors this week, where quality writing will be afoot. I'll be posting new essays every Thursday. New short fiction will be available from one of our writers every Friday, too.

So:

GO!
Future Blues
GO!

and

GO!
Threat Quality
GO!