Here at the ISTV Global Stronghold, tensions are running high. The minions are getting twitchy, no matter how many times they receive the poke of the Cattle Prod of Doom.
Maybe it’s the sudden end of the truncated 2008-2009 television season. Maybe it’s a sense of dread when the announcements of new fall shows all read as painfully as they do. Maybe it’s a recent reminder that, in defiance of GOD'S WILL, “According to Jim” continues to draw breath.
As a response to the morale issues, work on our orbiting death ray has accelerated.
Target one: commercials that offend our senses (Target two: Jim Belushi).
In any event, until the laser is operational, the minions have had to get creative in their terrorism. So they've taken to simply rewriting their commercial-nemeses, for clarity and honesty:
“Sex in the City: The Movie”:
One of the four women: EEEEEEEE!!!
All of them: EEEEEEEHAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Martini glasses clink together)
[Repeat, over, and over, and over, until excruciating.]
KY Massage Products:
Man: When my clearly upper-class girlfriend and I are doing something that isn’t explicitly referred to as “sex,” we like and/or need to use this product. Which we are not explicitly referring to as “sex lube.”
Woman: Because we’re pretty sure you can’t say “sex lube” on American TV commercials.
Man: Certainly not on primetime network TV. Man, how’d we even get on during “Lost”?
Woman: By agreeing not to say “sex lube,” dear.
Man: That’s right, honey. Hey, wanna do something on this bed we’re sitting on that is likely but not specifically referred to as “sex”?
Woman: Do I! Hey, bring the not-necessarily-sex-lube!
...And yes, we have a team examining the feasibility of TiVo within the Stronghold.