Thursday, May 15, 2008

I Hate TV: Commercials

Here at the ISTV Global Stronghold, tensions are running high. The minions are getting twitchy, no matter how many times they receive the poke of the Cattle Prod of Doom.

Maybe it’s the sudden end of the truncated 2008-2009 television season. Maybe it’s a sense of dread when the announcements of new fall shows all read as painfully as they do. Maybe it’s a recent reminder that, in defiance of GOD'S WILL, “According to Jim” continues to draw breath.

As a response to the morale issues, work on our orbiting death ray has accelerated.

Target one: commercials that offend our senses (Target two: Jim Belushi).

In any event, until the laser is operational, the minions have had to get creative in their terrorism. So they've taken to simply rewriting their commercial-nemeses, for clarity and honesty:

“Sex in the City: The Movie”:
One of the four women: EEEEEEEE!!!
(Martini glasses clink together)
[Repeat, over, and over, and over, until excruciating.]


KY Massage Products:
Man: When my clearly upper-class girlfriend and I are doing something that isn’t explicitly referred to as “sex,” we like and/or need to use this product. Which we are not explicitly referring to as “sex lube.”
Woman: Because we’re pretty sure you can’t say “sex lube” on American TV commercials.
Man: Certainly not on primetime network TV. Man, how’d we even get on during “Lost”?
Woman: By agreeing not to say “sex lube,” dear.
Man: That’s right, honey. Hey, wanna do something on this bed we’re sitting on that is likely but not specifically referred to as “sex”?
Woman: Do I! Hey, bring the not-necessarily-sex-lube!

...And yes, we have a team examining the feasibility of TiVo within the Stronghold.


tad said...

We can discuss Tivo at the next Stronghold Town Hall Meeting.

molson said...

Target three: motorcycles
Target four: birds
Target five: France
Target six: trucks
Target seven: cats

tad said...

Target eight: sarcastic, weak-bladdered puppies who won't let their owner sleep in past 7 am on weekends

ISTV Global Stronghold said...

And that's why puppies can't have deathrays.

thechicgeek said...

All puppies should have deathrays. But it just so happens they would never use them. Why? Because everything is their favorite thing ever.

TiVo is one of the best inventions in the world. Beats the "toilet" hands down.

V.I.P. Referee said...

Ugh...why can't "Sex and The City" just die already? The only thing it ever had to say about both sex and the city, was that you can buy your way in and buy your way out.

Threat Quality Press said...

My favorite one is still that Comcast commercial, where they try to explain why Comcast is good in a way that deliberately defies sense, so that your rational mind will break down, and you'll get Comcast (seriously--don't get Comcast).

"Change is good. According to science, change is good because of the internet. This is because if you call Comcast when you're moving to a new house, we will move your internet ahead of you. Then, you will be like a butterfly."

What the hell does that even mean?