Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Truth-Bombs of "The Wire"

Why is “The Wire” so good? Well, if recent discussion here at the ISTV Global Stronghold is any indication, it may be that it allows for endless debate on whether "Stringer and Avon wordlessly realize that one of them is going to end up killing each other" or "Drunken McNulty cracks up his car, stands in the street reviewing his turning radius, cracks up the car trying it out AGAIN, and then heads into a diner, and somehow manages to have sex with the waitress" is The Greatest Scene Ever.

But something that gets lost in all the praise is just how educational the show is. Obviously, the show seeks to pass along the important truth that We Are All Utterly Fucked, but hidden within that message are several smaller truth-bombs:

1) Men who wear suspenders have absolutely no interest in helping you get quality results, no matter what your pursuit.

2) “What we ought to do is invent a serial killer” is an idea that sounds absolutely retarded coming from a drunken Irish man-whore, but completely reasonable coming from an enwisened older black man.

3) Whoever once told David Simon to "do less with more"? David Simon fucking HATES YOU, dude. He's banged out the last four seasons just to get to this point in Season 5, where he can write overly-broad caricatures just to stick it to you.

4) In Baltimore, you can be as gay as you wanna be, as long as you are also heavily armed and generally terrifying as fuck. (This may be the root of a lot of conservative neuroses.)

5) Short-statured politicians are not to be trusted - the frustration they feel towards their hilariously oversized conference desks and big-boy suit jackets, they instead take out on their constituents.

6) Baltimore Newspapermen come in three sizes: crusty and wise; young and ethical; and shithead (comes in “unjustly promoted,” and new “young and ambitious” flavor!). (See also: David Simon Fucking Hates You.)

7) If you live in Baltimore, and you are hardworking and generally decent, if a little flawed, you are required, by the laws of man IF NOT NATURE ITSELF, to be in constant contact with a complete moron who will witlessly destroy every good decision you’ve ever made (I’m looking at you, Herc and Ziggy).

8) Adorable children’s lives are constantly under threat of total destruction due to the dangerous requirements of dealing drugs after school.

9) Adorable children’s lives are constantly under threat of total destruction due to the negligent behavior of half-assed, moron police.

10) Adorable children should not live in Baltimore, really.

You tell me, “Wire” fans, what has the show taught you?