Joss Whedon Explains It All

Feminism is a tricky thing for guys to really understand. It sucks, but it's true. We're raised a certain way. Or, more accurately, a lot of certain ways. A lot of guys are raised to be flat-out morons. Some are raised to be enlightened and understanding. Then there are guys like me, who are still trying to work out when it's okay to hold a door for a lady, so we're just kind of screwed from the get-go.

So thank god for Joss Whedon.

In addition to being an absolutely awesome writer and show-runner, he is also probably the most visible male feminist I know of (keep in mind, my focus is usually on TV, so I don't look terribly far). Every time I hear him speak, I Get It, just a little bit more.

It is in this spirit that I offer his 2006 Equality Now acceptance speech. Where he was introduced by Meryl Streep. So...damn. Good for you, man.

Anyway, it is in this speech that he offers so many answers on Why He Writes These Strong Women Types that it's like a crash-course in feminist theory for lunk-headed men like me.




Goddamn it, I hope "Dollhouse" doesn't get cancelled quickly.

Why Be a Detective, Again? (The Thrilling Conclusion to the "New Amsterdam" Diatribe)

Ah. So there’s the interesting part.

The second episode of “New Amsterdam” is in many ways an improvement over the first. The standard reasoning is that a creative team has months to put together a solid pilot, but just a couple of weeks to get an entire series into production once they’re picked up. But between “Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles” and this, I’m getting the sense that lately, creators are taking the second episode as a way of saying, “Okay, now that we’ve dealt with the set-up, here’s what the show is actually going to look like.”

And it don't look all that bad. Because in this episode, it was quickly revealed that the 65-year-old bar-owner, a bluesy old sass-talker who seemed destined to be “lead guy’s witty black friend,” was something more: the immortal detective’s son. Suddenly, things got a lot more interesting.

And then they got a lot less interesting, because we had to deal with another rote murder plot. Which once again begs the question: Why is this character a NYPD detective? What is the point here? We’ve seen that he can make money quickly and easily – and that he can easily forge identity papers. Why bother being a civil servant? Why not some eccentric immortal man-about-town who solves murders as a hobby?

(Answer: because that would make this a BBC series. We Americans like our heroes employed, dammit.)

A flashback shows that during the early ‘40’s, he tried his hand at being a lawyer, so at least we get the impression that at some point in his long, long life, John Amsterdam just started trying on careers for the hell of it. But the flashback – detailing, of all things, the birth of the 65-year-old bartender sidekick – is weird enough in its implications that, honestly: who gives a fuck about the murder investigation? (Not helping is the “tough-but-vulnerable lady-cop partner,” who, as far as I can tell is simply a bad actress, immediately sucking any potential personality from the procedural scenes.)

So there’s the question again: when you’ve got so many interesting ideas to play with, why sandwich it into a shitty police procedural? And yet this is not the biggest question. The biggest question, your honest-to-god “wha-huh?!” relates to how the character became immortal in the first place.

Just listen, because I am not exaggerating this at all. Centuries back, when the Dutch were slaughtering Indians on what would become Manhattan, our guy stepped in front of a sword to protect an innocent Indian woman. To save him, an old lady shaman patched him up and tossed some shaman-hoodoo his way, with the caveat that he will not grow old until he meets his true love.

This is possibly the stupidest thing I have ever typed in my life.

I can’t even begin to dissect what’s stupid about it because it defies all logic. It defies real-world logic (“Why would she bother to do that if she was apparently trying to save him?”) and story-telling logic (“Is this for any other reason than to sell a contrived romance plot?”).

So here I sit with a show about an immortal who works as a detective while trying to find his destined true love. Only one of these items deserves its own show, and only barely, without a lot of work.

As it stands, based on ratings, the viewing public – this would be the post-“American Idol” viewing public, please note, who will generally just keep the channel on for whatever the hell comes afterwards, because despite their phone-voting prowess, they are somehow not what we would call "taste-makers" – could not have given less of a shit about this show, so I doubt it will last longer than the time it takes me to finish typing this sentence. (What’s that? Still on? Hm. Just wait a few more days.) So this will probably be the last I talk about it (oh, don’t look so relieved).

But because I see a show that clearly wants to shrug off the shackles of its own self-imposed formula (at least, I want to see that), and because it will very likely be cancelled before it gets to where it wants to go, I’ve been reminded of a lot of other shows with similar goals, and similar fates.

So don’t be surprised if you see some “ISTV Classic” articles coming to a website near you. This website, as a matter of fact.

"I Speak TV." Remembering cancelled shows so you don't have to.

No Match For the Foam Dominoes (OR: How I Spent My Saturday)

As hype for a new batch of episodes, G4 ran a day-long marathon of "Women of Ninja Warrior." Obviously, it was enough to quell yet another uprising from the drones here at the ISTV Global Stronghold.


Here in the control center, we realized that the biggest reason it's possible to enjoy "Women of Ninja Warrior" even more than its sibling competition is that there is the possibility that we could actually do the first-stage crap (ignoring our obvious lack of athletic ability, and our crushing laziness). For instance, on standard "Ninja Warrior," realistically, what are the odds of any of us running up a 15-foot wall and clutching the ledge at the top? Not so hot. But "Women of Ninja Warrior" is more concerned with balance and agility. And so we think we might actually have a shot of stepping from one post to another.


(That log-roll might be a whole 'nother hassle, but don't ruin our illusions, okay?)


At least "WoNW" looks like it would be fun to run through. except for the bits where the women mis-time their leaps and plow face-first into a pillar. That one might take a bit of planning.


Of course the best part - other than watching spectacular feats of agility right alongside all the face-smashing that shows up in the commercials - is the first-stage commentary offered by the announcer. He is, as always, absolutely supportive, though with the women, he sometimes seems alternately fascinated by and condescending towards their womanliness.


(Regarding a woman in a business suit) "Boy, does she look sharp!...Don't let her appearance fool you, this woman is capable!"


"She always held a fancy for watching female ninjas on TV."


"Can she seduce the competition into submission with her sex appeal? .... Go, Yoko! We believe in the power of your sex appeal!"


"Dance, tiny dancer, dance!" (This is actually far-more in-depth than his usual reaction to samba dancer Yuko Kawamoto: "Samba! Samba, samba, samba!!!" - which sounds just the same in Japanese as it does in Engish, by the way.)


"We want to see her go all the way, so she can report on her own success."


"Go for it, dear queen!"


"Your looks won't save you now! Only your raw strength will!"


"Oh! Danger!"


"She was no match for the foam dominoes!" (Okay, sometimes we just like taking the quotes out of context. Except this is exactly what it sounds like. She was, really, no match for the foam dominoes.)


To cap it off, we offer video of Ayako Miyami, three-time "Women of Ninja Warrior" champion. 5'2" and 92 lbs. of warrior spirit.

Everyone Loves An Immortal

“…See, we tried explaining that to the writers, but they just don’t get it. Just like they don’t get talking to girls. Or making eye contact.” - Parody of a producer, from a writers’ strike video

This quote serves as proof that fiction writers, by and large, seem to be more or less what you’d expect them to be: basically me, or nerdier.

(“Nerdier than him?” I hear you scoff. “Surely not – he is clearly their king!” Quiet, you. I’ll bet you didn’t know that we here at the ISTV Global Stronghold have special brainwave satellites devoted to trolling for such impertinent thoughts. “Nerdy.” Please.)

If you are like me (or nerdier), you start to notice pet ideas developing independently among such writers. One of those perennial ideas is the TV Show About An Immortal.

(See also: "Forever Knight," "Angel," "Highlander: The Series," "Dark Shadows," or a buttload of others I'm too young to remember.)

Indulge your creative side for a second. Try to seriously imagine a man who’s been alive for centuries, with no end in sight. Think about what he’s seen, what talents he would have developed over the years. How different his concept of time and place would be from a person with a finite lifespan.

He would be a fascinating character to write about. And what better format for it than TV? You can set up long-ranging story-arcs, lay out themes about life and death, and spend a good amount of time putting those ideas to work, creating a vast tapestry on which to display your statement of what the world might be like for a man who can't die.

Sounds good, doesn’t it? If you’re a creative type - say, a fiction writer, or even better, a sci-fi or fantasy geek - the possibilites would be pretty mouthwatering.

Now imagine you’re a producer. Your job is to pay for the damn thing, and ensure that someone watches the show your weirdo production crew put together. But you know how to get people watching. So you come to your writers and say, “Listen, we’ve got a shot at airing after ‘American Idol.’ We need to sex this thing up, and people like what they already know. So, uh…what if this guy solved crimes or something? How’s that sound, nerdo?”

That "hypothetical" conversation echoed in my brain during the pilot to Fox's “New Amsterdam” the other night.

It hits a lot of the right beats with its lead character, John Amsterdam. He has a wide range of obscure talents, from lip-reading to wood-working. He has first-hand knowledge of New York City’s history and geography. He's experienced familial loss. And maybe most interestingly, he doesn’t really bother hiding (or explaining) to people the fact that he’s older than Manhattan (frequently citing past experiences, claiming decades of sobriety at an AA meeting, etc.).

So with all that in place...why is the lead plot about a fairly dull murder investigation?

This is, in all seriousness, a plot that could be found on most any episode of “Law and Order.” Your lead character saw Times Square built. He builds furniture that scores big money on the auction circuit because it’s identical to one built by a "dead" master. What about his solving a by-the-numbers murder seems at all more interesting than the rest of his life?

There are even more important questions to ask about "New Amsterdam." But because I have read that the second episode is an improvement over the pilot, we nerds at the ISTV Global Stronghold will power down our atomic video-feeds, hit mute on our super-speakers, and leave further deliberations until we've had a chance to watch episode 2.

("Nerds." Feh!)

Can you believe it? Is it true? Is this column going…

TO BE CONTINUED….?

Rock, Flaaaag, and Eeeaaagle!

When FX announces that "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia" will be around for a fourth season, it's a win. A win for you. For me. For America.

And here to sing you everything you need to know about America is Charlie (during the aptly named episode, "Charlie Goes America On Everyone's Ass"). A man who seems to have permantently confused third grade social studies class with a Ford truck commercial.