But we are not cruel overlords. For instance, we did not subject them to "Quarterlife" (though to be fair, apparently nobody subjected anybody to "Quarterlife"). In fact, to show our appreciation, we have appeased the henchmen by granting them access to "Ninja Warrior," G4's Japanese import obstacle course masterpiece.
The punishing competition (located on Mount Terror's daunting philosophical neighbor, Mount Midoryama) has won the affection of the henchmen, through the excitable spirit of its less athletic contestants (see below) and the relentless can-do-it-iveness of its superhuman All-Stars (including fisherman Makoto Nagano, who trains on his boat by doing sit-ups OFF THE BOW OF THE SHIP).
But the real draw is the announcer, whose zealous admiration of the contest (and seeming man-crush on many of the contestants) leads to some of the most goofily exciteable color commentary available along the Pacific Rim:
"Katsuga leaps across the balance bridge like an actor accepting an Academy Award!"
"The baretender is neither shaken nor stirred by the first obstacle! He is going to mix it up with the Rolling Log, like a marachino cherry by a swizzle stick!"
"He says he would gladly die if it would help him gain physical perfection!"
"The gods of Mount Midoryama have blessed this hunky model!"
"His golden skin glows in the darkness."
"It's clear from the way he's stripping off his jacket that 'Ninja Warrior' is no joke!"
"The wildman crawls like a feral baby!"
"Ages ago, before cities, culture, corporate mergers, or 'Ninja warrior, our ancestors swung from trees, much like this."
More to come, as next week appears to be just as grueling for the henchmen. In the meantime, the Stronghold offers this video to better prime you for further "Ninja Warrior" commentary (and by "commentary," we mean, "More quotes taken only slightly out of context"):