Olympic Fever, Catch It! (Part 4: Robot Smile)

Things Shawn Johnson Is Probably Thinking, As She Keeps Grinning No Matter What Happens:

"Oh, boy! China!"

"My life's just gonna get better and better after this!"

"I hope NBC thinks of me when they start casting 'Small Wonder 2.o'!"

"This'll be a great way of making friends!"

"If I keep smiling, maybe Mommy and Daddy won't fight so much!"

"I bet I'll live forever!" (Okay, that one stolen from McSweeney's - don't care.)

"Gee, d'ya think they like me back home?"

"It's awfully hard to breathe in this leotard!"

"Puberty? What's that? Sounds fun!"

"I'm cute, but puppies are cuter!"

"Why does that Liukin girl look so mad? We're Olympians!"

Olympic Fever, Catch It! (Part 3: Ladies Night)

Awesome, sometimes-weird night for American Olympian women. They all did great – particularly our terrifying giantesses on the softball team – but at the same time, a strange sense of defeat at the uneven bars and the pole vault.

The uneven bars was an actual sense of robbery – esoteric scoring procedures meant that in spite of a tie, bullshit-she’s-16-year-old He Kexin got the gold, while the U.S.’s Nastia Liukin (arguably with the more even performance) took silver. A clear sense of China kinda screwing around with things in multiple ways.

On the pole vault front (a phrase you are unlikely to ever see on this site again), jetsetting Russian Yelena Isinbayeva got the gold, which meant it was totally worthwhile to watch a little profile about how she somehow is an athlete while also being very attractive and living what appears to be a model’s life in Monte Carlo (and would also not mind a small part in American movies someday).

And it would’ve been totally fine that American Jennifer Stuczynski took silver, on account of she’s only been doing this for about four years, if not for the dismissive chewing-out her coach gave her from the stands – totally mic’d on a global telecast, which is obviously the best time to have that kind of conversation. His passive-aggressive, “Yeah, silver. That’s not bad. It’s no gold, but it’s not like you’re Isinbayeva” scolding really took the (silvery) shine off the whole thing.

So thank god for Women’s Beach Volleyball, is what I’m saying. Our gals pounded the hell out of the Brazilians, a victory made all the sweeter after the commentators mentioned that the Brazilians pulled rank and kicked them off the practice court earlier that day. It’s rare I say this (actually, this may be the first time I’ve ever said this), but: Suck it, Brazil! Go enjoy your losers’ party – which is probably going to be really awesome and sexy, with beads and feathers and such.

In conclusion: USA! USA! USA!

The Summer Olympics: Because Americans Need To Feel Good About Something For a Little While.


(And yes, this may have just been an excuse to post pictures of female Olympians. Sue me.)

Olympic Fever, Catch It! (Part 2: A Word From Canada)

TO: ISTV Global Stronghold
FROM: Canada
SUBJECT: RE: Canada’s Capabilities in Summer Olympic Sports

Dear Global Stronghold folks,

Shut up, eh?

Look, we know we’re not the strongest swimmers out there, right? And yeah, it sure does look like we’re last out of the pool every time. But cut us some slack, will ya? Our water’s only swimmable – like three weeks out of every year. So we don’t get a lot of practice, eh?

And that official regulation-sized pool…it just goes on forever, and everyone’s zippin’ past us. An’ it’s sooo deep! We’re just happy not ta drown!

Point we’re tryin’ to make is, we’re self-conscious enough without you hosers makin’ fun of us, eh?

And we’re not stupid, in spite of some comments you’ve made at our expense, both in swimming and in other summer sports.

F’r example: We know those badminton rackets are used to bat around the little feathery thing. You don’t put them on your feet to trudge through snow. We KNOW that. (Now.)

So, just easy does it with the jokes there, eh? In a couple a’ years, we’ll see you at the Winter Olympics. And I think we’ll know who’ll be laughing then, eh?

(We will – Canada. Just so, y'know, there’s no confusion.)


Sincerely,

Your friendly, frozen neighbors to the north

Olympic Fever, Catch It! (Part 1: Handballin')

“Sure are a lot of handballers carrying flags,” my roommate quite rightly observed as we watched the Parade of Nations Friday night. Then, after we were done giggling at the term “handballer,” we realized we had no idea what handball is.

I was under the impression that handball was that one with two guys on a court who hit a rubber ball back and forth while wearing goggles. Only when Tad recognized the game I was describing as Squash did it occur to me that I also had no idea what Squash was.

Fortunately, a match between the French and Angola women’s teams cleared it all up. At first glance, it looks a bit like Calvinball – lots of running and ball-throwing and chasing each other around. But we quickly realized it was basically soccer, but you use your hands. And every three steps you have to bounce the ball.

When one of the players goes to score, the goalie (defending a goal bigger than hockey but smaller than soccer), largely unable to do anything because she lacks both room to dive and protective padding, just kinda jumps out towards the ball, flailing her arms and legs.

It is a fairly high-scoring game.

It’s also sort of brutal, since the only way a player’s going to gain control of the ball (other than that namby-pamby interception crap) is to ram her shoulder into the other player. Which was especially counterintuitive, since the court itself is a placid, calming powder-blue.

At this point, I started to wonder: How is this game not popular in the US?

- It answers Americans’ Soccer Dilemma by being faster-moving and higher-scoring, and on a smaller court which makes it easier to follow the action.
- It looks and sounds a bit like basketball. We like basketball.
- There’s none of the partial nudity that’s likely kept men’s water polo – arguably a more difficult game, since when you’re not playing, you’re still swimming! – from being comfortably embraced by many male fans.

Then it occurred to me that maybe it’s too simple for American sports fans. I mean, baseball and football have so many rules that slow the action down to a crawl, and apparently we love those two.

We had to retitle blindingly simple descriptive name “football” into “soccer” – a word that never, ever described anything.

It is possible Americans are really overcomplicating their own enjoyment of sports.

More Olympic coverage to come, probably.